Friday, February 23, 2024

Tums Introduces New Sternly Worded Note Reminding Consumers They Know Better Than To Eat That Stuff

ST. LOUIS — Expanding its product offerings beyond its long line of chewable tablets, antacid maker Tums introduced a tough new rating Tuesday that would have the effect of reminding consumers they know not to eat that stuff in the first place. “The best method for relieving heartburn is still having some damn self-control and saying no to that fourth slice of pizza,” the letter reads in part, adding that even if a dose of carbonate of calcium might help alleviate the symptoms of indigestion, it would hardly do so. be necessary if a person shows even the slightest respect for themselves by avoiding foods that upset their stomach. “You’re an adult, aren’t you?” So you clearly know how it works: you go crazy on a chili dog, follow it with fries, and 20 minutes later you’re in a world of misery. Has it ever occurred to you to eat noticeably? Hmm? It’s like you have complete amnesia every time there’s a bucket of hot wings and a six-pack of beer in front of you. Tums officials confirmed that the harshly worded letter will be available in its original scolding tone as well as extra-strong wording of what’s wrong with you.

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