NEW YORK — Describing the trend as a serious threat to the well-being of local idiots, New York’s Metropolitan Transportation Authority on Thursday reported a sharp increase in the number of idiot passengers who jump in front of trains because they have just dropped their lollipop there and they want it back. “We’re seeing a worrying increase in the number of clumsy idiots climbing onto the tracks to grab an oversized lollipop before a train can smash it into pieces and ruin their special treat,” said MTA CEO Janno Lieber, who noted that these unfortunate morons often continued. moving on the tracks even as a train could be heard approaching in the tunnel and commuters on the platform shouted that they didn’t have time. “Unfortunately, there’s no point in trying to hold these dopes down or promising them they can get another, even bigger lollipop later if they stay put. They will only answer: “But it’s my pacifier, it will get dirty there!” then detach. By the time they pick up the candy and stand there for several minutes to remove any visible dirt or trash, it is often too late. Lieber then announced the launch of a “You’ll Ruin Your Sailor Suit” safety campaign featuring ads in which terrified idiots dressed in sailor suits are seen standing in front of blazing subway headlights.
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