Sunday, February 25, 2024

‘I Am Your New King,’ Says Bloody, Cancerous Polyp To British Public

LONDON — Proclaiming a new era of unstoppable proliferation across the United Kingdom, a bloody, cancerous polyp addressed the British public from Buckingham Palace on Tuesday and informed them that he was their new king. “Bow down to me, subjects, for I have dethroned your once mighty monarch,” said His Majesty Lumpington III of Malignashire, who reportedly appeared to wear St. Edward’s crown to issue a royal edict ordering the execution of all radiologists of the British Isles. . “My brothers will no longer suffer under the thumb of your surgeons. Pledge allegiance now, and perhaps we will spare your colons and prostate. May Almighty God bless our Commonwealth with propagation and division. Amen.” At press time, the pulsating pile of metastasized cells added that he would invoke his divine right by spending his first night as king in Queen Camilla’s bed.

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