NEW YORK — Refuting claims that his references to recent conversations with deceased politicians were made in error, President Joe Biden confirmed Thursday that he speaks to deceased European leaders all the time as they wave at him to return to the light. “It was not a blunder. I remember very well that Helmut Kohl told me the other day that it was time to let go and step into the light,” said the commander-in-chief of 81 years old, adding that a luminous apparition of Kohl appeared. to him all the time at the end of a tunnel, usually summoning him from the other side with a peaceful come hither motion. “Despite what my critics would have you believe, I maintain an active relationship with Helmut and François [Mitterrand], and often takes advice from them on the crossing to the spirit realm, as well as on various other political matters. The other day they were whispering to me that all this suffering and toil would soon end once I accepted the warm embrace of eternal rest. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go up this shiny staircase to greet my late mother, Queen Elizabeth, and St. Peter, all of whom are waving at me from this fluffy cloud. At press time, President Biden had clarified that, to be fair, former German Chancellor Angela Merkel also tried several times to convince him to give up his body shape.
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